It’s A Crappy Life

Phew… this whole week was like a dream… Somehow the whole HK trip was like a long long dream that I’ve just woken up to and remembered very little about…

I’ve got people asking me how was the trip, how was HK, did I have fun… somehow, I can’t answer them… I just don’t get the same oomph I had felt when I went to Beijing last year…  The Beijing trip was memorable if not completely etched in my mind… Probably because I’ve been to interesting places and had incredible tour guides previously…

This time, was like, what the hell?  I didn’t even feel the excitement when I was about to board the plane to HK… and this was not even contributed by the 4 hour delay in the departure flight… I officially reached HK’s first hotel at 4am…  After that, time just WHOOOSH by…

Somemore the tour guides… the Guang Zhou guy is not bad… But the HK one… my god… I’d rather go there without a tour guide…  He’s that bad… 

But anyway, one of the main reasons that this trip is totally forgettable is because it’s a shopping trip… We shopped from HK, to Shenzhen, to Guang Zhou… Even the GZ tour guide said "actually there are other nice places to go too… these few days, besides shopping, the only thing we did was shopping"  (大家除了逛街还是逛街)

I couldn’t agree more… But despite that, I managed to conquer the chinese fashion market… I bought: 1 bag; 1 pair of pants; 7 shirts… it’s SEVEN shirts!!!

I don’t even know that was possible… especially for me… Actually I’ve thought of cataloguing the shirts here… but… as you would have guessed, I’m lazy… Haha…

Anyway, now that I’m back in KL, the dream’s over… And I’ve gotta work all over again… it’s back to rushing report for Dr. Lim and thesis for Ms. Tan… Gosh… I hate my life…

还记得在去年， 刚刚和她分手的时候我的心碎的不能再碎的时候，我是靠唱着 “好爱她好像他” 这首歌而让自己舒服一点的。。。 在今年和她符合过后，我一直以为我再也不需要唱这一首歌。。。 没想到今天我竟然又再唱了这首歌。。。 哈哈。。。 当我唱到副歌的时候还有在尾声的时候，我真得真得觉得我还是很爱她，很想她。。。是我不会做一个好的男朋友的问题吗？ 还是她真的觉得因为她的身体状况而不能跟任何人在一起。。。 为什么我依然还是摆脱不了怀疑我们有第三者的出现？？？

咳。。。我在你心里到底还存在吗？ 为什么你可以一次又一次得伤我呢？ 咳。。。 算了。。。 反正你也不会再来看我的blog的啦。。。 

最近我爱上了 《林宥嘉》唱的 《那首歌》 因为我觉得歌词很适合我对她的心情， 尤其是这一句：“一开始你爱我， 最后你放弃我， 还要用千言万语 说得委屈 你有多难过”

不知道为了什么 

忧愁它围绕著我

我每天都在祈祷 

快赶走爱的寂寞

你要我听这一首歌 

用这首歌离开我

她唱的太美了

歌词却很伤人

你为什么不直接提分手？

爱人的话不需要重 

轻轻的说我就懂

接你的车来了 

表示爱到站了

我站在十字路口 对抗心痛 一个人

你的黑发 现在睡进谁的胸口

你的唇 现在跟谁要温柔

一开始你爱我 

最后你放弃我 

还要用千言万语 说得委屈 你有多难过

爱牢牢抓紧我 

恨深深包围我

你要我为你好 

快赶走爱的寂寞

看《那首歌》的MV

FUCKING TIRED OF ALL OF THEM!

I’m currently addicted to this Cantonese song by Jason Chen (陈柏宇).  The name of the song is called "Car key", directly translated from 车匙.  I know the title is a bit crappy, but the lyrics are totally what I feel now and all the while since the break up.

遗弃这旧汽车 消灭记忆那裂痕
忘记曾坐着你 车迈向荒废树林
面前长路越来越暗 临别越来越近
再远看你家 就当临走情人热吻

手中紧握车匙 追不到往事
方知挂念较怀念更容易
相爱凭几公里飞驰
要停下回望太迟
手中抛开车匙 路上便无依
车里几多温馨故事 几声愿意
原来只不过是幻觉 磨灭我的心志
(然后我又沦落至此 谁伴我又游荡到此)#

忘记暖着你手 冬夜播歌去慢游
时间沉默睡了 飞越了整个地球
为何乘坐路程未够 留下话题未够
我却要带走 是你赠的迷人玩偶

有时间路里太多标志

I tried translating the song, but my translation really sound sucky and I totally destroyed it.  Anyway, if you are really interested to know and can’t understand Chinese, I’ll be glad to translate. 

To listen to the song, click here

It’s been ages since I’ve blogged and I think I might bore you with another miserable entry… But I couldn’t help it…

It’s almost 4 months… coming this 15th it will be exactly four months… I thought I could let go… I thought I’ve already gotten over everything… But sometimes, the feelings came back so suddenly that it can really hit you off guard…

I dreamt about JW last night.  I dreamt that we had a chance to get back together… And I woke up feeling miserable all over again.  Today as I was driving to work, as usual, I passed by UPM… I really had the impulse to turn into UPM to look for her… I don’t know what I would say if I do see her though… So, with all the willpower I could muster, I drove away.

I couldn’t help wondering, what would have happened now if I had not turned down her help to send her to the bus station the other day.  Maybe we’ll still be talking today.  Maybe we are back together now.  Or maybe we remained friends. 

I really have no hope of us being together again… I still love her very much.  I don’t know if she feels the same.  But even if she does, we have too many problems.  At least I have too many problems.  Remember they used to say that love conquers all?  Well, it doesn’t.  Sometimes, it just makes matters worse.

I know she’s about to have her second operation this month.  I don’t know when, but I really wish she can go through this successfully as she did last time.  Previously, I was there for her.  At least I did my best to take care of her.  I was so confident that I would do the same the next time.  But, all I can do now is pray for her recovery.  I couldn’t be by her side like I used to anymore.  I really wish I can do it again.  Maybe if I know when she’ll have her operation, I can go see her without her knowing?

I still remember how I went searching for every temple I know to pray for her on her day of operation.  If only I can do the same this time…

Sigh… Sorry to make you read this, but I’ve been feeling miserable the whole day.  I just wish to pour it out and hopefully I can feel better.  I’m still thinking about the question just now.  What if I really DID send her to the bus station? 

Somehow, it reminded me of the song by Kate Winslet ages ago:

What if I had never let you go…

But I guess… We’ll never know…

Someone once said I might write the lyrics out of this song.  I told him I don’t have the 灵感 (inspiration) to write.  But suddenly during one of those sleepless nights that I’ve been having so often lately, it came to me.  Lol.  Enjoy.

Listen to the original song here

暗恋曲

OT: Yuri - Story of the tear

How did I fall in love with you?

What can I do to make you smile?

I’m always here if you’re thinkin’ of

the story of the tears from your eyes

不知不觉我爱上了你

怎么做才能逗你笑？

看见你流泪我心也会痛

是避也避不开的感觉

# Can’t you hear the voices of my heart?

不断地唱着这首暗恋的曲折

* 心里面想念着一个人

希望能看到你微笑

虽然你偶尔会觉得孤单

别忘了还有我在身旁

Repeat #*

I ought to have blogged last night right after that crappy post.  But I was so pissed with someone that I just go offline.  I’m not pissed because I wasn’t asked out to hang out.  I just felt left out.  But I was really pissed when that asshole was so fucking indifferent towards how I felt.  And I thought we were quite close…

Whatever… Anyways,

I had an interview yesterday with IOI in Putrajaya.  I guess you can say that place is beautiful in a secluded kind of way.  Well, if you can see pass the undergoing construction that is.

Anyways, I was interviewed by non-other than the Dr Lim who used to work in UCSI.  I don’t know what went into my mind.  I was quite lost when I went into IOI Resort.  I couldn’t find the lab!

So I was like stopping at every guard house and asking every guard I see and I got directed to this dirt road that looked like it needs years of renovation.  The guards keep saying go through the green gate and you’ll see a building on your left.  I kept looking for a green gate but all I saw was a rusted gate.  Maybe it used to be green but it’s definitely brown now. 

So since that’s the only gate I saw, I turned in.  And started looking for the building.  I kept turning and reversing and turning and reversing until I can’t tahan and went up to one of the bungalow like buildings in there and knocked.

"Excuse me, may I know where is the Lab?"

The lady at the desk told me:  "This is the lab"

What? But it looked more like a house?! 

But of course I didn’t say that out loud.  Instead, the muddle headed me blurted out:  "Um, I have an appointment with…"  Shit I was stuck!  Who was I supposed to meet.  Then I made a face and said "Ms Lim?  No no.  Madam Lim."  I thought I got it right.

Then the lady at the desk asked:  "You mean DOCTOR Lim?"

Ooow!  There goes my first impression.  Anyway, if it was embarassing, she didn’t show it.  Instead she asked me where I was from.  So I told her.  She must not have caught what I said or she had no idea what UCSI meant.  So she asked:  "Are you the consultant?"

I almost choked.  Which part of me look like a consultant?  You would expect a consultant to look older and more experience, not someone that looks like a lost kid from Neverland.  And it just seemed like I’m in more need of consultation than her. 

Anyways, after everything’s over, the interview began.  I doubt Dr. Lim ever wanted to take me in.  Almost every sentence she said she ended with: "Since we are under construction now… Bla Bla Bla"

If not because of my dad whose business partner is a friend of IOI’s boss I doubt Dr Lim would even wanna talk to me, let alone let me work there.  I don’t really wanna work there either.  It’s not my interest to do plant tissue culture.  But I don’t have any choice.  I hadn’t gotten any offer from anywhere.  Well, except in Ipoh which I was dying to go if only my mum will open the cage and let me fly. 

Sigh.  I know I should cross my fingers now.  But whether for me getting the job at IOI or not getting the job, I’m not sure.  Coz if I got it, I won’t have to worry for the next two months.  But then it’ll be damn boring…

今天跟阿Be 和阿Cat 出去吃饭的时候，又闹出个好废的笑话：

我们来玩个游戏！大家一起念！

老师送我一支笔

什么笔？ 毛笔

什么毛？ 鸡毛

什么鸡？ 公鸡

什么公？ 公公

什么公？ 公公

什么公？ 公公。。。

如此类推。。。 

好冷吧？ 哈哈！ 如果结冰了要报仇的话就去找啊Cat 吧。只有她那么三八才能想出来的。嘻嘻嘻!

This is the result of being too emotional and bored.  The original song is in Japanese by a Jpop singer called Stephanie.  She’s incredible.  You should listen to her songs.  The following lyrics is totally flushed out from my mind 100%.  Thanks for reading my masterpiece.

Listen to the original song here

我已经 感觉到疲倦

关于爱情和生命里的一切

就算我再温柔体贴  不让关系断裂

也无法阻止  将发生的一切

闭上眼  回想着过去

所有快乐以及悲伤的事情

当眼泪滑落的时候  开始想念你的手

可是不想再挽回 已失去的机会

* Because of you

仍我怎么付出都无法再弥补

Because of you

狠狠逼我推出这爱情的路途

这世界虽然会很惨苦  我会很孤独

但我相信  我能彻底  的恢复

一个人  在街上徘徊

人潮涌起却还是感到孤寂

离开两个人的季节  面对陌生的世界

只能再坚强一点  才能看到明天

Repeat *

望着天空 祈求得到更美好的梦

Tell myself to be strong 无论遇到多少次心痛

雷雨还是会落下 风还是会刮起

只要能坚定  就一定会有天青

Because I know

一个人的生活也不算太沉重

Because I know

离开你的世界还有宽阔天空

渐渐离开伤心的地带 就能更愉快

不在迷恋 你的容颜你的喜变

* Because of you

仍我怎么付出都无法再弥补

Because of you

狠狠逼我推出这爱情的路途

这世界虽然会很惨苦  我会很孤独

但我相信  我能彻底  的恢复  的恢复。。。

I really don’t like to be framed for something I’ve not done… I told myself to ignore it but I can’t.  It just bugs be so much…

Ok, so here’s the sitch:

Last night, JW asked me if I can send her to the bus station on Thursday.  At first I told her I can but I will have to confirm with her later.  But later, I realized that I had tuition on that day.  But I didn’t tell her straight away coz it was quite late at night.

Then this morning, she called and asked me what I’m doing.  I ma told her I was reading newspaper lo.  Then I told her I can’t make it on Thursday coz I had tuition.  Then she asked me why am I so bz nowadays… I ma told her I wanna do lab lo… Den she ask me

"Your lab not finished di meh?"

"I’m just helping the lab tech ma"

Silence…

I asked, "Anything?"

"Nothing…"  Hung up.

Then a few minutes later, she sent an sms.  She sent three actually.  I won’t say what she said.  But the conclusion is she thought I made up lies of being bz but actually wanted to avoid her.  She said she actually wanted to give me something and talk to me…

Anyway, she asked me not to reply in all three of her sms-es.  So I didn’t.  Well, even if she didn’t ask me I wouldn’t have.  Coz she’s so angry there’s no point explaining that I was really busy.  I really had class on Thursdays, if she’d only cared to remember. And afterall, if I really wanted to avoid contact, I wouldn’t have picked up the call at the first place, right?

And I DO know that she will wanna give me something - my super overdue birthday present.  But you know what, I don’t want it anymore.  From that day when she told me she didn’t pack it with her when she come to KL… She said she had too many things to take, so she didn’t pack it.  That just shows how much she cares right?  If I’m even worth just a little in her heart, she wouldn’t have not packed it… And she wouldn’t even have not told me she got it until I asked.

I actually wanted to wait for her anger to subside a little before I explain to her that I’m not making up lies.  But after awhile, I realize, since I’ve already given up, I don’t think I should explain.  I’d rather she hate me and get over it soon.  I’ve pulled myself up and out from it, I don’t wanna step back into it again.  I’ve been hurt twice by the same person… Hurt real HARD.

Stan was right.  I should have known her already.  Haih… But I just wonder, if I do it this way, would I be a bad person?  Coz if this way, maybe we might not be able to even be friends…