It’s A Crappy Life

There’s noone who is more talented than you in making me smile

You could run into my heart so easily

The sweet dreams of tomorrow can only be fulfilled by you

In the entire universe, wide and limitless

Every small planet follows around you

The person who loves me,

Can only be you…

I only wish to protect the happiness that you give

The person who loves me,

Can only be you…

Maybe I’ll smile and cry at the same time

But because it is you, I’m not afraid of any difficulties…

The person who can make my tears fall

Must be the one who will touch me the deepest

You had left scars in my heart

But at the same time, you light up the stars in my sky

In the entire universe, wide and limitless

Every small planet follows around you

The person who loves me,

Can only be you…

I only wish to protect the happiness that you give

The person who loves me,

Can only be you…

Maybe I’ll smile and cry at the same time

But because it is you, I’m not afraid of any difficulties…

Look! There are so many meetings

But it’s only this meeting with you

That, as if fated, is creating miracles of you and me

The space in my heart

I guess, besides you, noone can fill it up…

The person who loves me,

Can only be you…

I only wish to protect the happiness that you give

The person who loves me,

Can only be you…

Maybe I’ll smile and cry at the same time

But because it is you, I’m not afraid of any difficulties…

Because it is you, I’m not afraid of any difficulties…

I’m really begin to think I’m hopeless.

I hate to be this way.  I don’t know why I’m like this.  Sometimes, I do think I’m a bit too girlish when it comes to the matters of the heart.  I’m very selfish too.  What prompted me to say this is that I realized I’m a very easily jealous kinda guy. 

Actually I don’t know how to put this.  It kinda sux to see your beloved mentioning and talking about some other guy so mysteriously.  Yet, rationally thinking, it’s actually no big deal.  If you have noticed, since we got together, every blog entry has at least a little mention of JW.  I really don’t wanna be a hopeless romantic which I already am.

Sigh… My emotions are kinda disturbed tonight.  I don’t know what I’m blogging.  Initially, I intended to blog about something interesting that had occured in the Library today.  But somehow, now, I’ve lost all the mood. 

I just hate myself right now.  I really wish I can be more rational and stop thinking too much, stop being so jealous of the tiniest thing and stop being so immature.  It will only put a strain to the relationship.

But I can’t…

The more I look at the layout of my blog, the more I feel like blogging.  It’s like a drug addict looking at marijuana or amphethamine. 

LOL.  Still, luckily I’m not an avid blogger else, your email inbox will be full of msgs from friendster saying I’ve blogged.  I always get those.  It’s like almost everynight, I would have at least gotten one or two of those msgs and it’s always from the same people.  And these days, Janice really seem to have a lot to say.

Thanks, Janice for your comment. 

This morning when I’ve just woken up, I could still feel the disappointment all over again.  Those who have known me well, would know how I keep thinking a lot. 

However, after breakfast, I began to realize how stupid and unappreciative I am.  For all we know, I wouldn’t even have this second chance to be with the person I love again.  But there I was, sulking as if I’m a kid denied the trip to Disneyland.

The disappointment, undoubtedly is still there.  But there’s nothing more important than to be still able to be with the person I love even if we have to be separate by the miles.  After all, miles are nothing but numbers.  With the passing of each day, the numbers will be subtracted and I’m sure soon, we will reach 0 mile distance.

I know I should be studying now.  Exam’s around the corner.  But the more I look at the keyboard, the more I feel my fingers needed exercise.  Haha.  I just love typing too much.

Alright.  Guess I’d better stop.  I don’t know how much crap I can spew up from my restless fingers. 

It’s almost the end of the CNY holidays.  So, to quote Rachel Green from Friends:

Merry CNY and Crappy Holidays!

I still remember that Monday… 5 Feb.  Someone asked if I wanna meet at 27 Feb…

From that day on, I was so looking forward to the above mentioned date.  I almost ticked off my calendar if only I’m not afraid of my mum asking a lot of stuff.  From 6 Feb, it seemed so far away.  Then the days crawled by and finally, today is the 22nd.  Just 5 more days.

Then, above mentioned person said "Sorry, I don’t think we can meet"

SPLASH!!!

Like the Chinese say, "a bucket of cold water poured on my head".

Even with the assurance that we will meet again later in March, it doesn’t help at all.  I didn’t realize how much I was looking forward to it until the moment the disappointment sets in.

I guess I should have learnt from my previous experiences.  Seriously, you should only hope this much *holds up thumb and index fingers at a very close distance*

if you are not prepared to be disappointed. 

For me, I already have a huge fall today.  I really don’t have any heart to do anything else.  I just hope I don’t be disappointed again.  Or let’s just say, I don’t dare to hope anymore…

The streetlights were dim.  My mum and I was driving along a stretch of road - well, rather, a bridge.  I knew it was the Penang bridge though it doesn’t look like it.

There’s a gloomy feeling in the air.  I don’t remember the purpose to go there.  My mum and I never venture that far north without Dad.  Heck, we don’t even KNOW the way to Penang.  But nevertheless, we were there.

Somewhere a girl was walking alone in an alley.  I don’t recognize her at all.  The alley was not the usual type you see in KL city or anywhere in Malaysia.  Rather, it’s more like those New York Downtown kinda alleys you see in the movies… Think "Batman Returns".

She was walking as if it’s an everyday thing to be out at night in a quiet alley.

Then, I found myself arriving at a dingy place.  Inside was kinda like a tavern with a television set hanging from the ceiling.  The news was on and it was reporting about a series of murder cases happening somewhere.  It wasn’t said where, but somehow, I KNEW it was in Penang and I was in the middle of it.

The way the murder was committed was rather supernatural.  A girl was found drained off all her blood but there were no wounds at all.  There were other deaths also.  I only remembered them as being supernatural.  I don’t remember how supernatural it was.

Anyway, I suddenly realised that JW is in Penang.  I really wanted to go out and look for her.  The roads and the city outside the tavern was very empty.  It looked like a ghost town.  I was really very afraid of her safety and I wanted to go look for her.  Before I could make a move, my mum pulled me back and for some reason that I couldn’t think of we were all hiding under a plank of wood as if something was coming to get us.

Then I woke up. 

I know when you were reading this, it sounded rather silly.  Even I find it funny when I was typing it.  But seriously, that was what I have dreamt about and my heart was definitely beating fast when I woke up.

I had this dream about a few nights ago.  Maybe more than a week ago.  Ever since then, I had been kinda worried about JW.  I was already worried about her after her accident.  I never told her about this dream.  I knew I acted kinda paranoid few nites ago when she didn’t reply my sms and when she didn’t come online.  Probably, more or less it’s because of this nightmare. 

There’s no specific reason why I’m typing this now.  I just feel bored and there’s a nagging feeling inside that I should type it out.  Afterall, I’ve just finished my presentation slides and I need something to release the stress.  I need to move my fingers a bit too. 

LOL.  Have a nice day.

Or is it?

Not to say I’m anti-celebrations or anything, but seriously, CNY doesn’t really make me happy.  It’s just another ordinary day with nothing much to do besides going to the temple in the day and to Klang at night.  It’s always spent that way for as long as I could remember.

I’m not someone who really gila-kan money so I’m not that really looking forward into receiving ang pows.  But once in awhile, it’s still nice to receive money for doing nothing… LOL. 

Actually, it’s not exactly nothing to do… I still have CNY decorations to put up… and I still have to put on an "interested" face when I go visit my uncles and aunts and cousins sedangkan it’s actually very very boring…

Come on la, all my cousins are waaaayyyy older than me.  Those that are not older than me are waaaayyyy younger.  I feel so stuck in the middle.  The youngest one who’s older than me is already about 26 or 27 and the oldest one who’s younger than me is only 13.  How can I ever relate to them?

And not to mention my oldest cousin has a daughter who is, if not hyperactive, is just sticky.  She follows wherever I go and doesn’t let me sit still and listen to the "grown-up’s" conversation. 

Those that are not chatting are of course gambling at one corner of the house.  I’m not a gambler…  Worse still, I despise gambling.  It’s just another way to lose money.  I still believe that if you don’t gamble, you win, just maybe not that much.

Then this year, like last year… I have even more reasons to sulk.  JW’s gonna be bz entertaining her cousins and it’s gonna be almost impossible to talk either by phone or online. 

Sigh… It’s gonna be a long long CNY again… Well, at least there are the good foods to look forward to.  I’m a pig when it comes to eating.  CNY is the time where abalones are at abundance and sharksfin can be eaten over and over again as though we’re just drinking water.

To anyone who’s reading this, I’m sorry if I spoilt your CNY mood.  Probably I should post this up after CNY.  But there isn’t any point in writing this anymore isn’t it? 

Right now at pre-CNY celebrations, I’m already bored stiff.  While mum and gramps go bustling in the kitchen, I’m just sitting here and typing this pathetic entry. 

But still, I shall try to be positive and try to enjoy it as much as I can.  So, adios.  I’m wishing myself a really Happy CNY and I hope you enjoy yours too. 

Sigh… it’s not much of a celebration when your heart is missing someone else so much…

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They’re not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see

I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I really love this song.  It’s the soundtrack for the Death Note movies if I’m not mistaken… Anyway, it’s a really nice song

Watch the music video here

It’s amazing
How you can speak
Right to my heart
Without saying a word,
You can light up the dark
Try as I may
I could never explain
What I hear when
You don’t say a thing
 

 
The smile on your face
Lets me know
That you need me
There’s a truth
In your eyes
Saying you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says
You’ll catch me
Whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all

 
All day long
I can hear people
Talking out loud
But when you hold me near
You drown out the crowd
 

Try as they may
They can never define
What’s been said
Between your
Heart and mine

The smile on your face
Lets me know
That you need me
There’s a truth
In your eyes
Saying you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says
You’ll catch me
Whenever I fall
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all

You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all
You say it best
When you say
Nothing at all

 
The smile on your face
The truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand
Let’s me know
That you need me

Lyrics: www.azlyrics.com 

After years of waiting painstakingly, I’ve finally have the seal of approval to be out late and lepak until midnight.  I know it’s a bit too late compared to other people but, hey! Who cares?  I’m 21 and I’m finally free from the grasps of the ever watchful eyes of my mum. 

Well, not totally free, but at least, so far I have to be contented with whatever freedom I have.  This had been my goal since I graduated Taylors - to go be able to go out at night and do stuff my friends normally do without me. 

My next goal: Obtain complete freedom and live outside alone.  Well, not completely alone.  Preferably, I will be able to live with my Lo Po Zhai. (In future, I shall rename this as LPZ)

Went to Halo Cafe last night with Josh, Cat and Be.  It’s the first time that I actually SIT inside Halo Cafe and LISTEN to people singing.  Previously, I would have only walked outside the locked gates and peek inside to imagine what it’s like to be inside drinking stuff.

Somehow, I didn’t enjoy it as much as I had imagined.  Don’t get me wrong.  I enjoyed every moment I spent with the three crazy friends of mine.  It’s just the nagging feeling of not being able to be there with my LPZ and not being able to talk to her makes it somewhat empty inside.  It’s like the night was not complete.

But then again, who wouldn’t have had that kind of feeling before?  I’m lucky enough to be able to look forward to bringing her there someday. 

Still, almost each love song that was sung that night just made me miss her more - especially when they sung Ronan Keating’s "When you say nothing at all".  I had played music for as long as I could remember but not until that very moment that I was finally able to appreciate the beauty of a melody in combination with the almost perfect lyrics that had melted my heart as the image of my LPZ smiling at me got fixed in my mind. 

Haha.  Did I make you shiver and your hair stand up?  I just couldn’t help it you know.  Not when I blog about her and not even when I actually ordered a drink called "A Dream Journey". (Meng Huan Zi Lu)

Haha.  Okok.  I understand.  Enough about us di.  I’m back on earth now.  Forgive my little detour to the faraway dreamland called Love. 

So, I know you are dying to see photos right?  Even if you are not, just "ying cao" a bit la ok?  It’s not much.  Only 2 pics.  The bad thing about using Friendster’s blog is that it only permits 50 pics be loaded in a month.  I have to be very careful of my quota since my growing desire to snap photos of every place I go since newly acquiring my camera phone.

<<that’s Josh and I

<<Be & Cat

It’s dark, I know.  That’s why they call it a camera phone, not a digital camera.  I’ve tried photoshop-ing it but it turned out worse.  So this is the best I can get.  Enjoy and have a nice day.

I gtg back to studying my CTC.  Sigh… Exam really sux!

I knew I was very wrong from the moment I did it.  I even felt icky and disgusted after doing it.  I don’t know why I did it even.  Maybe because I really wanna hate myself.  I just wanna have an excuse to hate myself.

Until today, I thought the consequences only involved myself.  Because I had previously lost hope on getting together again with JW.  But I now realized that what I did actually had little consequence to myself compared to the hurt it had caused the person that I loved so dear. 

I suddenly felt I was the most selfish jerk on earth.  It’s almost incomparable to anyone else.  At that moment of confrontation, I almost wanted to kill myself.  That’s how much I hate myself for causing so much hurt to someone who had loved me and someone who had cared for me. 

I really don’t deserve any forgiveness.  Heck, I should even be thankful for not being dumped because of my stupidity.  I know no matter what I do now I cannot undo the wrongs that I’ve done.  But there is still something I can do.

That is, to learn this lesson very well and never ever forget it.  It shall never ever be repeated under any other circumstances.  I’m very thankful to be forgiven.  Seriously, I wouldn’t have found someone with such a big heart. 

I know promises are not to be made lightly.  I’m a forgetful person.  I may not be able to remember exactly every promise that I had made.  But I had always make it a point to register it in my head and I never make promises that I know I will break one day. 

I hate to admit my weaknesses.  Sometimes I even don’t think I’m good enough for JW’s loving.  I wasn’t the perfect bf that JW deserve.  But for the both of us, I’m willing try my very best to be a good bf if not the best. 

Dear JW,

If you are reading this, I want you to know that for all the wrong that I’ve done and all the pain I’ve caused you, I’m deeply and truly sorry.  I’ve learnt my lesson well and I will always remember it.  I will never hurt you again.  I know you don’t like empty promises and I don’t dare to guarantee what I said.  So I won’t make that a promise to you.  Instead I’ll make that a promise to myself. 

Please forgive me for all that I’ve done.  I can never find a better person than you.