It’s A Crappy Life

There’s something I wanted to blog about but I’m still thinking how I should start…

You know what they say about pictures?  Photographs to be more exact.  They capture your happiest moments so that you can view them and relive those happy moments again and again.  Sometimes even if you’re not in the picture, you do feel the happiness radiating from the smiling faces of the subjects.

I felt just that last night when I was so bored, I went over some of the birthday celebration pics of a few of my friends.  What’s weird is that when they were taking the photo and having the celebration, everything was so lively.  So positive.  So happy. 

It’s amazing how things can change so abruptly.  And it’s all because of one person.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not blaming anyone here.  Probably, it’s not only because of this one person.  It might be only because I kept hearing this person out that I tend to block out everyone else in the picture.  But then again, this person might not know that I’ve actually listen to other friends talking about "it" too.  (I don’t wanna disclose whether "this person" is a she/he.  So I shall use "it" as "this person’s" pronoun.)

Sometimes, I even doubt myself.  Is it because of me saying something to "it" that became the cause of all this?  I did not stab anyone’s back, don’t worry.  It’s just something about myself that I had shared with "it" that probably has piqued "its" curiosity.  And as everyone knows, curiosity kills the cat.  It’s not a very good thing to be too curious sometime.

The problem is, some people find "it" very annoying because of "its" inability to keep "its" mouth shut.  It’s not that "it" couldn’t keep secrets.  But sometimes "it" does suddenly blurt out things which is totally inappropriate and might in a way announce to the whole world somebody’s well-kept secret.  "It" doesn’t realize it "itself" so it’s not totally "its" fault. 

I totally understand the perils of living under the same roof. People realize the bad habits of their housemate, people choose either to

(1)look at the bright side and accept the bad habits or

(2)tried to be patient and realize that their housemate is getting on their nerves. 

Most often than not, option number 2 always happens.  So no matter how well it started of, it will still end up a disaster.

Maybe I’m in no position to comment about this issue.  Afterall, I don’t live outside with housemates and all.  But what’s so different between living under the same roof with friends and under the same roof with family?  There are still problems aplenty.  Only difference is that in a family, people accept whatever bad habits you have and couldn’t give a damn about it because they are stuck with you for the rest of their lives.  Of course, there’s the big thing called L.O.V.E that binds us together.

But why wouldn’t housemates just be like that?  What’s so difficult to look pass the flaws of a single human being?  And what’s so difficult for a particular person to accept what others think and try to change oneself for the better? 

But come to think of it, it’s easier said that done.  Even my  mum couldn’t fully comprehend the flaws that I have.  And even myself, couldn’t change for my mum.  But that is an entirely different story already. 

I don’t know what drove me to write this post today.  Probably is the unsettling feeling I had each time I look at the photos.  Seems like the words "Frenz Forever" in a few of those photos do not carry much weight.  It is rather depressing to see a group of happy friends falling apart.  But then again, this is life.  If we can’t accept it, we’ve gotta let go and move on…

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just blogged and just now and when I checked, there’s no post!!! I really clicked "Save"!!! DAMN!  What the hell?!  And I blog about patience.  Look at me ranting!  Haha.  The irony of it all.

Anyway, no mood to repeat what I said la.  Just wanna say, I’ve finished my exam today and WOO HOO! No need to study for another one month! LOL!  Have a nice day!

I know I’ve promised not to blog about our problems anymore… But the current situations really do not permit me to keep quiet any longer.  I’m going through such an emotional turmoil and stress that it’s impossible for me to bottle up any longer.

I’m not going to go into details of what had happened between us.  All I wanna say is that I’ve always been convinced that I’m doing a good job of being a good bf.  I know I can never be the perfect one, but at least, I thought I’m doing the right thing to make you feel loved. 

Never in my dreams have I realized how wrong I was till last nite.  After the almost 1 and a half hour conversation with you, I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night.  I woke up this morning feeling miserable like hell.  I really wanna help you and I want you to be happy… But somehow it seems like the things that I do whether purposely or subconsciously only make you feel more pressured.

I feel like I’m a total failure at being your bf. 

I just woke up from a nap just now.  I had the worst dream.  I’m not going to go into details of that dream either  because I just don’t wanna revisit what I’ve seen and felt in there. 

I’m writing this blog because I have to let out.  I’m not trying to burden you anymore in anyway.  Neither am I complaining anything about you.  I feel that if I go on bottling up my feelings, I will go crazy.  I want to support you during your worst of times.  You said before that you want your partner to be able to go through hard times with you.  I don’t know if I’m going through hard times with you now but the times are pretty hard for me.

Sometimes I believe that if we can just hold on together and see through this problem that we are facing, our relationship will be even better when all these are over.  But sometimes also, I feel my confidence wavering because I felt so helpless.

I’m not hoping for a respite.  I will hold on with you, I will support you for as long as you allow me to.  And I hope one day, we will be able to look back on this together and have a good laugh at how hard we’ve fought and end up happy in the future. 

I know the path that I have to take in the near future will be ardous.  But I’m not giving up.  Even if I’m all bruised and battered, even if my heart is broken again and again, I will hold on with you.  Only this I can promise you.  But I hope also, you will understand the situation I’m in.  Sometimes I’m so lost that I couldn’t even concentrate on my studies.  You are the only person that could make me stronger so that I can concentrate on my notes even if just for a few minutes.  I hope I can make you stronger too. 

I don’t know if I did right by posting this blog.  But there’s no other place left for me to let out the confusions and feelings of lost besides here.  I really hope you will understand, JW.  I really hope that you can be happy again and return to be the happy JW that I used to know.  No matter what, I will love you forever.

Sorry if I hurt your feelings in anyway.  To be honest, I was hurt too last night.  Not once, not twice, but more than that.  But I hope I will see through it soon.