It’s A Crappy Life

So many things had happened since the last time I blogged.  Still, luckily, it’s nothing serious and nothing bad.

I had been really worried about JW.  So much so that I’ve went to prayed at all the temples and places that I know of.  And those who know me well enough know that I’m not a religious person. 

But thankfully, my prayers are answered and she’s recuperating well even as I’m typing this entry. 

Still, I had to admit I was worried sick.  If only I could think rationally and scientifically as I always have, I wouldn’t be worried.  There’s nothing to be worried about.  It’s not life threatening and what are the chances of not being able to wake up after being anastacized?

Sadly, I’m embarassed to say that I’ve lost all my rationality.  I wasn’t even myself.  I couldn’t do a single thing without making any mistakes at all. 

But luckily, after a chat with Suh Ni the other night, I was back on track.  She made me realize that there’s actually nothing to be worried about.  Hehe.  Thank you, girl.  I owe you one.

Anyway, who wouldn’t feel anxious and worried when faced with similar problems?  There’s nothing I can do besides praying and it sort of made me feel useless. 

Sigh… Let’s not talk about it.  I’m just glad that JW’s fine.

The other night, I was writing on my diary - something I had not done for a long time.  I don’t write there unless it’s something that really bugged me. 

Anyway, the point is, after writing, I went through my previous entries I wrote when I was in high school.  I noticed that I’ve really taken a lot of my friends for granted.  I used to think that they do not really cherish me as a friend and it’s ok to them if I drift away. 

Sigh… only now I realize I’m quite a selfish person.  I used to be a responsible person.  Used to be able to set my goals and follow them.  But now, I’m more of the "I don’t care" sort of guy. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I still take my exams and stuff seriously.  It’s just that I don’t have much interest to get involve in society gatherings and functions.  For instance, I don’t even wanna go to this year’s prom.

Sigh… Don’t know what I’m typing about now actually.  Haha.  Right now, I only want two things - get my final year project moving and keep praying and hoping that JW will get well soon.

Haha.  Suddenly remembered Ah Be once said that me praying for JW is very touching.  I had never thought of it this way.  I doubt it’s touching and I think most of you would agree with me.  But anyways, it’s the least I can do and I hope it works.

Those who knows JW, please help pray for her health and wish her luck for her recovery.  Those who don’t, you can wish me luck so that my wish of her making a fast recovery comes true.  Hehe.

Adios Amigos!

And Fucking GROW UP!

Sometimes I’m so sick with myself that I wonder if I’m sane at all.  Here I am having an almost blessed life some people can’t even begin to dream of… And yet, I’m still this thumb sucking cry baby that doesn’t know how to appreciate it.

You know, it’s just sad… I read her blog just now and although I already knew how much she’s suffering, it just hurts to read what she wrote.  It’s not that I’m insensitive to what she’s feeling.  No, it’s more like, it’s sad because I wasn’t there to comfort her.  I wasn’t able to bring her to places, make her laugh, and forget about her worries for awhile.

I am jealous.  I’m jealous of her friends.  I’m jealous that they are able to be there for her.  They are able to be right beside her physically to encourage her and make her feel better even if it was just for a few hours.  And it’s sad to think that all I can do for her then was to give her complete freedom and time so that she can have her friends around her comforting her.  Sigh… came to think of it, probably I’ve used the wrong word.  I wasn’t jealous.  I was envious.

But then again, I’ve not been moping over it.  I understood how much she needs to be with her friends, even though sometimes, the devil in my idle brains make me think that I’m insignificant compared to her friends…

Haha.  But that’s nothing to be worried about.  I know and I believe very well that even though sometimes her friends are more important, there is still gonna be a place in her heart reserved for me.  Although honestly speaking, that is a little less than what I’ve expected - or rather desired, it made me realize that an easily satisfied man is a happy man.  Therefore, I should be grateful of what I have right now and stop hoping for something I’m not gonna get.

But that doesn’t nullify the envious feeling I had of her friends.  Still, I’m not complaining.  If it means making her happy, I’m willing to do anything at all.  That’s the least a hopeless boyfriend like me can do…

Till the next post, Good Luck for the "thing" that’s gonna come to you, my dear.  I’ll always hope for the best for you.  Don’t give up! ;D

This few days I’ve been thinking a lot… In fact, I’ve been thinking too much… Coupled with the fact that there’s nothing much to do it kind of gets on my nerves.  I finally realized what it means by idle brains is the playground of the devil.

I always tell people, if there are problems that you can’t solve right now, just leave it.  It had even gone so bad that I catch myself living by the rules of "I Don’t Care".  But sometimes, it is not so easy to ignore some stuff, especially matters of the heart.

It is quite taxing to worry about someone’s condition on whether she will get well soon and the consequences of a treatment gone bad.  And that’s not the only thing to worry about now.  I have this increasing feeling of being deserted. 

Sigh… Am I so hard to get along?  I’m just a little quiet that’s all.  But that doesn’t mean I’m arrogant or unfriendly, does it?  It’s just that I sometimes chose to keep my mouth shut rather than keep on babbling until I’ve dropped someone’s secret.  Or is it just in the words of someone that had stung me so hard: "Can you be a bit more mature?"

Sigh… In my current mood of melancholia, I really don’t know what to think.  I really wanted to chat with that particular person that I loved so much.  I really wanted to tell her how much I miss her.  Really wanted to tell her everything will be fine.  Really wanted to tell her I’m sorry for whatever wrongs that I’ve done.  Most importantly, I really wanna hear her reassuring laughter again… 

Seeing her online but not being able to chat with her, is like being right in front of her and invisible.  She’s probably just entertaining her friends or have something more important to do.  But sigh… who am I kidding?  When she’s not replying, what else can I say that doesn’t make me appear to be a total idiot?

I just don’t wanna be lonely that’s all… Or probably that’s what my problem is.  I’m just too immature…