It’s A Crappy Life

It’s been ages since I’ve blogged and I think I might bore you with another miserable entry… But I couldn’t help it…

It’s almost 4 months… coming this 15th it will be exactly four months… I thought I could let go… I thought I’ve already gotten over everything… But sometimes, the feelings came back so suddenly that it can really hit you off guard…

I dreamt about JW last night.  I dreamt that we had a chance to get back together… And I woke up feeling miserable all over again.  Today as I was driving to work, as usual, I passed by UPM… I really had the impulse to turn into UPM to look for her… I don’t know what I would say if I do see her though… So, with all the willpower I could muster, I drove away.

I couldn’t help wondering, what would have happened now if I had not turned down her help to send her to the bus station the other day.  Maybe we’ll still be talking today.  Maybe we are back together now.  Or maybe we remained friends. 

I really have no hope of us being together again… I still love her very much.  I don’t know if she feels the same.  But even if she does, we have too many problems.  At least I have too many problems.  Remember they used to say that love conquers all?  Well, it doesn’t.  Sometimes, it just makes matters worse.

I know she’s about to have her second operation this month.  I don’t know when, but I really wish she can go through this successfully as she did last time.  Previously, I was there for her.  At least I did my best to take care of her.  I was so confident that I would do the same the next time.  But, all I can do now is pray for her recovery.  I couldn’t be by her side like I used to anymore.  I really wish I can do it again.  Maybe if I know when she’ll have her operation, I can go see her without her knowing?

I still remember how I went searching for every temple I know to pray for her on her day of operation.  If only I can do the same this time…

Sigh… Sorry to make you read this, but I’ve been feeling miserable the whole day.  I just wish to pour it out and hopefully I can feel better.  I’m still thinking about the question just now.  What if I really DID send her to the bus station? 

Somehow, it reminded me of the song by Kate Winslet ages ago:

What if I had never let you go…

But I guess… We’ll never know…

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